Those Words given by My Father That Rescued Me during my time as a New Dad

"In my view I was just trying to survive for twelve months."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the challenges of becoming a dad.

But the truth quickly proved to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her main carer as well as caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he needed help.

The straightforward statement "You're not in a healthy space. You must get support. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and find a way back.

His story is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although people is now more comfortable addressing the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties dads face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a broader inability to communicate between men, who often internalise harmful notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and stays upright with each wave."

"It isn't a show of failure to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not justified to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the space to ask for a respite - taking a couple of days overseas, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He came to see he required a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of feelings and make sense of his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says repressing feelings caused him to make "poor decisions" when younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the pain.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he notes. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Managing as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a family member, your other half or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical health - nutritious food, staying active and where possible, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mind is doing.
• Connect with other new dads - hearing about their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the optimal method you can care for your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead give the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men since they faced their struggles, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, sometimes I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning an equal amount as you are on this path."