I Believed Myself to Be a Lesbian - David Bowie Made Me Uncover the Actual Situation

In 2011, several years prior to the renowned David Bowie show debuted at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I declared myself a lesbian. Until that moment, I had solely pursued relationships with men, one of whom I had entered matrimony with. Two years later, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single mother of four, making my home in the United States.

During this period, I had commenced examining both my sense of self and romantic inclinations, seeking out answers.

Born in England during the beginning of the seventies - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my friends and I were without online forums or video sharing sites to reference when we had questions about sex; rather, we sought guidance from music icons, and during the 80s, musicians were experimenting with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist wore male clothing, The flamboyant singer adopted women's fashion, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured performers who were openly gay.

I desired his narrow hips and sharp haircut, his angular jaw and flat chest. I sought to become the Bowie's Berlin period

Throughout the 90s, I spent my time riding a motorbike and wearing androgynous clothing, but I reverted back to conventional female presentation when I chose to get married. My partner transferred our home to the US in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an powerful draw returning to the masculinity I had once given up.

Since nobody experimented with identity as dramatically as David Bowie, I opted to devote an open day during a summer trip back to the UK at the gallery, with the expectation that perhaps he could provide clarity.

I lacked clarity exactly what I was looking for when I walked into the display - maybe I thought that by losing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, as a result, discover a insight into my true nature.

Before long I was positioned before a modest display where the film clip for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was strutting his stuff in the primary position, looking polished in a dark grey suit, while to the side three backing singers wearing women's clothing gathered around a microphone.

In contrast to the entertainers I had seen personally, these female-presenting individuals didn't glide around the stage with the confidence of inherent stars; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Positioned as supporting acts, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the boredom of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, apparently oblivious to their reduced excitement. I felt a momentary pang of understanding for the supporting artists, with their heavy makeup, ill-fitting wigs and constricting garments.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in women's clothes - frustrated and eager, as if they were longing for it all to be over. Just as I understood I connected with three individuals presenting as female, one of them ripped off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Understandably, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I became completely convinced that I desired to remove everything and transform like Bowie. I desired his lean physique and his sharp haircut, his defined jawline and his male chest; I sought to become the slender-shaped, artist's Berlin phase. However I was unable to, because to truly become Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Coming out as queer was a different challenge, but gender transition was a much more frightening possibility.

I required several more years before I was ready. During that period, I made every effort to become more masculine: I ceased using cosmetics and eliminated all my skirts and dresses, cut off my hair and began donning masculine outfits.

I sat differently, modified my gait, and adopted new identifiers, but I stopped short of medical intervention - the potential for denial and regret had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

After the David Bowie show concluded its international run with a stint in Brooklyn, New York, following that period, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be something I was not.

Standing in front of the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the problem wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been in costume throughout his existence. I wanted to transform myself into the man in the sharp suit, performing under lights, and then I comprehended that I could.

I booked myself in to see a doctor shortly afterwards. I needed additional years before my transition was complete, but none of the fears I feared materialized.

I still have many of my female characteristics, so people often mistake me for a homosexual male, but I'm OK with that. I desired the liberty to play with gender as Bowie had - and now that I'm at peace with myself, I am able to.